Hello Blog readers! Thank you for tuning back in. Let's cut to the chase. Here is my belly. Some might refer to it as a gut. Do you feel compelled to stare? Does it look gross? Would you tell me that to my face or are you sitting here thinking it behind my back? If you saw me outside running, would you make a critical comment? If you were in a group of your peers, would you feel more powerful and confident to shame me?
I am sharing my gutsy picture because, sure, I can hide my not perfect, 45-year old tummy, and do most of the time, but I want to be vulnerable. Why? I'm pretty sure Ivy will be feeling vulnerable when she reaches the age where she understands that not all kids are accepting of her scars and not all stares are inquisitive or curious. Some stares come with judgment. My job in life is to build her up so that when she is old enough to understand the "digs" that will inevitably come her way, she will have the confidence and sense of worth to receive and handle them with grace.
So back to my stomach...no six pack abs here! Despite being a very athletic person, I did not hit what I call the "genetic lottery" and this is as good as it gets without going into complete rigidity mode with eating and becoming a slave to food. When I'm in a bathing suit my insecurities force me to suck in my tummy and try to make my stomach appear tighter and flatter. I view other flat, tight tummies in social media and the resulting feeling is insecurity and inadequacy. I feel that I have less value and I'm pretty sure that most of society is sending me messages all the time that I should be feeling this way. Take a look around at the media, billboards, social media, etc. What is beautiful? What is more valuable? What is more desirable? And what is so sad to me is that so many of us, because of our own insecurities play right into this crap. I know first hand because I have played into it. For years, but alas, that's another post.
Anyhow, I can find ways to hide the ugly truth, the not so tight tummy, if you will. I don't expose my stomach often, except around my family where they are loving and accepting, much in the same way that Ivy is loved and accepted here just the way she is. But gosh, this is her face. It's the first thing people see. She can't hide her face behind clothing like I can hide some areas of my body that I feel insecure about. So something happened to my Ivy that was really a cathartic moment. You see, this is not just her journey but it's mine too.
So here's the deal, we had a pretty upsetting event occur at our neighborhood pool last Friday night. It upset me as it was happening, and it has unfortunately stayed heavy on my mind since. I'll just start with the details, just the basics facts of what happened through my lens.
Chris, Ivy, Jade and I arrived at the pool Friday evening. Jade went off to play with a friend he knew. I was in the 2-foot section of the pool with Ivy and Chris near the steps. Within a few minutes of being there, a little girl who I will guess was around 4 years old swam up to Ivy with a small water gun. Ivy was sitting on the steps, miles of smiles as she usually is. I was very close by doing my usual peripheral monitoring of who is looking at Ivy and how are they reacting or attempting to interact with her. The little girl swam up to Ivy and although I'm sure she was not pointing the water gun at Ivy, she had it up and ready to go, and to me because of what she said I felt an immediate threat. "She looks gross." That simple. I kind of choked out "that's not very nice." Her reply...."she looks gross." She was about 8 inches away from Ivy. Then this little girl looked right at Ivy-- my 18-month old beautiful and innocent -- "I just want to be your friend"--little sweet pea precious baby girl, and said, "I would not touch that if I was you" in what sounded like a sassy and threatening voice. She was referencing her water gun. Did she think that Ivy would give her the plague? WTF!?! My eyes were bulging. I wanted to pick the kid up and throw her, but I didn't of course. I looked around to see who the parent was. Where they watching this? I relayed the story to Chris who was out of earshot. We were both so upset. We felt so hurt for Ivy, and literally disgusted that this little girl said this and behaved in this fashion.
I tried to shake it off, but this incident was not so easy to shake off. Sure, there had been other times where kids stared, but this one was so deliberate. It seemed so intentional and cruel.
I wish I could stop there but the story continues.
So, the little girl swam off and I kept my eye on her. I never saw an adult interact with her. I have no idea who she was or who was supervising her. Chris then saw an old friend he had not seen in awhile so he got out of the pool and began to have a conversation with him. I was in the in pool in the same 2-ft area when this man's wife, also my friend, approached me and we began to talk. She could probably sense I was upset. I was also by this time eyeing three other little kids who were watching Ivy. Ivy had gotten out of the pool and was chasing a ball and walking toward the baby pool. I watched this unfold. The 3 kids all got out of the pool. It appeared that the boy was the oldest, maybe 6 or 7, and the two girls were younger, maybe 5 or 6. Two of them had water guns or that is what my memory recalls. I have to be honest that I was so stunned and nervous at what I thought I was seeing that my memory might not be 100 percent accurate on the deatils - age of kids and whether they all had a water gun or only 2 of the 3 had water guns, but what I am positive of is the intention of these kids. They were "stalking" her. It looked like they were going to shoot her with their water guns, and I could hear them talking but not clear on what they were saying until I heard the boy say something about the way she looked. I forget what it was verbatim but it was ugly. I had stayed back so they would continue to assume Ivy was alone, just to see what they would do until I could no longer stomach it. As they descended on my daughter, I also descended, scooped Ivy up, and told them that "if you can't play nice with my daughter and have nice things to say, then you need to play elsewhere" and I hurried off, feeling so upset, so angry, so disgusted, so sad, so isolated. My friend at this point also said a very similar statement to the kids, and I assume that is when their adult saw and came over and my friend shared what had happened. It was relayed to me that the adult was embarrassed and apologetic. I just had to walk away. I found a group of friends where I felt accepted and I felt that Ivy was accepted and emotionally safe, and we ended our evening with that group of friends.
At the end of the evening, this adult - and I reference her that way because I have no idea if she was the mother or babysitter or other title, later approached me and seemed genuinely apologetic and embarrassed. While I accepted her apology all I could think was what was modeled to these kids at some point that would make it ok to do what they did. All I remember about the adult from earlier in the evening is that she was sitting outside the pool, mostly on her phone, in regular clothes, and was not watching these kids closely.....again, this is through my lens.
Ok, how judgmental do you think I sound? I have a feeling some people will think that "hey, kids are just being kids, give 'em a break!" Well, for your information, I will not and do not accept that. It is my strong belief that when kids do things like what was done to Ivy that evening, they are seeing this behavior modeled somewhere. I'm not blaming parents either even though I have no doubt that sometimes it clearly is being modeled by the parent(s). Perhaps they saw it on TV, perhaps their friend modeled it, I have no idea, but I do strongly believe it is modeled behavior. I'm not okay with it and I never will be. I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard language from my kids' mouths that was not ok and not once did I let it go. I used each experience as an opportunity to teach them. They would usually say they were just kidding.....NOT ok! Lesson taught. We teach continous lessons in our home. It is our shared responsibility - Chris and mine - to teach our children and guide them into their adulthood with kind, loving and compassionate hearts.
In the wake of this political election I hear so many people's opinions on facebook, on the news, etc. All I can think is I really don't care how you vote, what your religion is, or anything else you might subscribe to because all I have to do is see what's in your heart and it is quite easy to see people! And that transcends religious, social and political boundaries in my humble opinion. Ahhhh, I digress....
So anyhow my tummy.....Ivy has scars and a dark and hairy eyebrow. She may be able to hide them with makeup down the road. She may be able to wax those puppies into shape like so many of us ladies do, but the fact remains, she has scars. The fact remains that I have some extra pudge on my tummy and some other spots quite frankly and I've spent my lifetime feeling insecure and less than because perhaps like you, I also internalized all the messages around that said I was gross or unpretty because I didn't have a tight tummy. There is so much body shaming amongst adults that it truly makes my head spin. How can we as adults expect our children to behave differently when we are just as guilty?? Well, here's what I have to say about that! To hell with it, to hell with you if that is your thought. Going forward, I'm going to embrace my not perfect tummy.....it is a part of me, it grew and stretched to house four amazing babies, it's a soft squishy place for each of my children to lay their heads, it's mine, my body is a wonderland!!!! And so is Ivy's face. It's a wonderland! Tears come up as I write this. I'm her mom, don't tease and make fun of my kid. If you do, you are taking me on. Ask me questions, smile at her. She is just like you. She just wants to be your friend. Perhaps you could start a conversation with "wow, looks like she had some surgery, would you mind sharing?" or "what happened to your sweet girl's face" even works for me. And if you see your kid staring, why are you just standing there watching this awkwardness? Yes, I know that sounded judgmental. BUT...its not ok, people, its not ok. Hey, guess what? I do realize that I have no control over what you or your children do. I'm not naive. I have control over me.....so I choose to write this post in the hopes that the message will resonate with even just one person, that perhaps one person will self reflect. Maybe not.....but these are my thoughts.
And we wonder why our young people grow up to be angry and have low self-esteem. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps that kid was teased. Perhaps that kid was told over and over they were not ok, by media, by friends, by ads in magazines, perhaps that kid was excluded.
I'm raising 4 children and I'll be the first to say I'm nowhere close to being a perfect parent. I question myself often, reflect and try to grow, seek out advice and support, and I still come up short. But I try to be self-aware.....and I'm open, even when I have to confront something unpleasant within myself.
I am so lucky that I have an army of friends whose kids have embraced Ivy with open arms. I will not name them to respect their privacy and hope they all know who they are. Ivy is so fortunate to have 3 older brothers who have friends who come around often. She has had the benefit of being around so many kids during her short lifetime so far and these kids have all embraced her. I feel sure that Ivy has always felt so much love. I am grateful to my friends, the parents of these wonderful kids, and I have so much respect for them.
I'll end this post with saying that we have also had so many positive dialogues with people curious about Ivy. The rude and unpleasant experiences to date have been the exception and I hope that will continue to be the case as she gets older but I sadly have a sneaky suspicion that they will not be. It is as she gets older that I dread that innocence lost...... But to date, there have certainly been so many positive encounters too. There would be too many to write about. Each time we have one of these, each time someone embraces Ivy, each time we get to educate someone about Congenital Melanocytic Nevus, Chris and I smile. They are restorative. I am grateful for these experiences as well.
I am sharing my gutsy picture because, sure, I can hide my not perfect, 45-year old tummy, and do most of the time, but I want to be vulnerable. Why? I'm pretty sure Ivy will be feeling vulnerable when she reaches the age where she understands that not all kids are accepting of her scars and not all stares are inquisitive or curious. Some stares come with judgment. My job in life is to build her up so that when she is old enough to understand the "digs" that will inevitably come her way, she will have the confidence and sense of worth to receive and handle them with grace.
So back to my stomach...no six pack abs here! Despite being a very athletic person, I did not hit what I call the "genetic lottery" and this is as good as it gets without going into complete rigidity mode with eating and becoming a slave to food. When I'm in a bathing suit my insecurities force me to suck in my tummy and try to make my stomach appear tighter and flatter. I view other flat, tight tummies in social media and the resulting feeling is insecurity and inadequacy. I feel that I have less value and I'm pretty sure that most of society is sending me messages all the time that I should be feeling this way. Take a look around at the media, billboards, social media, etc. What is beautiful? What is more valuable? What is more desirable? And what is so sad to me is that so many of us, because of our own insecurities play right into this crap. I know first hand because I have played into it. For years, but alas, that's another post.
Anyhow, I can find ways to hide the ugly truth, the not so tight tummy, if you will. I don't expose my stomach often, except around my family where they are loving and accepting, much in the same way that Ivy is loved and accepted here just the way she is. But gosh, this is her face. It's the first thing people see. She can't hide her face behind clothing like I can hide some areas of my body that I feel insecure about. So something happened to my Ivy that was really a cathartic moment. You see, this is not just her journey but it's mine too.
So here's the deal, we had a pretty upsetting event occur at our neighborhood pool last Friday night. It upset me as it was happening, and it has unfortunately stayed heavy on my mind since. I'll just start with the details, just the basics facts of what happened through my lens.
Chris, Ivy, Jade and I arrived at the pool Friday evening. Jade went off to play with a friend he knew. I was in the 2-foot section of the pool with Ivy and Chris near the steps. Within a few minutes of being there, a little girl who I will guess was around 4 years old swam up to Ivy with a small water gun. Ivy was sitting on the steps, miles of smiles as she usually is. I was very close by doing my usual peripheral monitoring of who is looking at Ivy and how are they reacting or attempting to interact with her. The little girl swam up to Ivy and although I'm sure she was not pointing the water gun at Ivy, she had it up and ready to go, and to me because of what she said I felt an immediate threat. "She looks gross." That simple. I kind of choked out "that's not very nice." Her reply...."she looks gross." She was about 8 inches away from Ivy. Then this little girl looked right at Ivy-- my 18-month old beautiful and innocent -- "I just want to be your friend"--little sweet pea precious baby girl, and said, "I would not touch that if I was you" in what sounded like a sassy and threatening voice. She was referencing her water gun. Did she think that Ivy would give her the plague? WTF!?! My eyes were bulging. I wanted to pick the kid up and throw her, but I didn't of course. I looked around to see who the parent was. Where they watching this? I relayed the story to Chris who was out of earshot. We were both so upset. We felt so hurt for Ivy, and literally disgusted that this little girl said this and behaved in this fashion.
I tried to shake it off, but this incident was not so easy to shake off. Sure, there had been other times where kids stared, but this one was so deliberate. It seemed so intentional and cruel.
I wish I could stop there but the story continues.
So, the little girl swam off and I kept my eye on her. I never saw an adult interact with her. I have no idea who she was or who was supervising her. Chris then saw an old friend he had not seen in awhile so he got out of the pool and began to have a conversation with him. I was in the in pool in the same 2-ft area when this man's wife, also my friend, approached me and we began to talk. She could probably sense I was upset. I was also by this time eyeing three other little kids who were watching Ivy. Ivy had gotten out of the pool and was chasing a ball and walking toward the baby pool. I watched this unfold. The 3 kids all got out of the pool. It appeared that the boy was the oldest, maybe 6 or 7, and the two girls were younger, maybe 5 or 6. Two of them had water guns or that is what my memory recalls. I have to be honest that I was so stunned and nervous at what I thought I was seeing that my memory might not be 100 percent accurate on the deatils - age of kids and whether they all had a water gun or only 2 of the 3 had water guns, but what I am positive of is the intention of these kids. They were "stalking" her. It looked like they were going to shoot her with their water guns, and I could hear them talking but not clear on what they were saying until I heard the boy say something about the way she looked. I forget what it was verbatim but it was ugly. I had stayed back so they would continue to assume Ivy was alone, just to see what they would do until I could no longer stomach it. As they descended on my daughter, I also descended, scooped Ivy up, and told them that "if you can't play nice with my daughter and have nice things to say, then you need to play elsewhere" and I hurried off, feeling so upset, so angry, so disgusted, so sad, so isolated. My friend at this point also said a very similar statement to the kids, and I assume that is when their adult saw and came over and my friend shared what had happened. It was relayed to me that the adult was embarrassed and apologetic. I just had to walk away. I found a group of friends where I felt accepted and I felt that Ivy was accepted and emotionally safe, and we ended our evening with that group of friends.
At the end of the evening, this adult - and I reference her that way because I have no idea if she was the mother or babysitter or other title, later approached me and seemed genuinely apologetic and embarrassed. While I accepted her apology all I could think was what was modeled to these kids at some point that would make it ok to do what they did. All I remember about the adult from earlier in the evening is that she was sitting outside the pool, mostly on her phone, in regular clothes, and was not watching these kids closely.....again, this is through my lens.
Ok, how judgmental do you think I sound? I have a feeling some people will think that "hey, kids are just being kids, give 'em a break!" Well, for your information, I will not and do not accept that. It is my strong belief that when kids do things like what was done to Ivy that evening, they are seeing this behavior modeled somewhere. I'm not blaming parents either even though I have no doubt that sometimes it clearly is being modeled by the parent(s). Perhaps they saw it on TV, perhaps their friend modeled it, I have no idea, but I do strongly believe it is modeled behavior. I'm not okay with it and I never will be. I cannot tell you the number of times I have heard language from my kids' mouths that was not ok and not once did I let it go. I used each experience as an opportunity to teach them. They would usually say they were just kidding.....NOT ok! Lesson taught. We teach continous lessons in our home. It is our shared responsibility - Chris and mine - to teach our children and guide them into their adulthood with kind, loving and compassionate hearts.
In the wake of this political election I hear so many people's opinions on facebook, on the news, etc. All I can think is I really don't care how you vote, what your religion is, or anything else you might subscribe to because all I have to do is see what's in your heart and it is quite easy to see people! And that transcends religious, social and political boundaries in my humble opinion. Ahhhh, I digress....
So anyhow my tummy.....Ivy has scars and a dark and hairy eyebrow. She may be able to hide them with makeup down the road. She may be able to wax those puppies into shape like so many of us ladies do, but the fact remains, she has scars. The fact remains that I have some extra pudge on my tummy and some other spots quite frankly and I've spent my lifetime feeling insecure and less than because perhaps like you, I also internalized all the messages around that said I was gross or unpretty because I didn't have a tight tummy. There is so much body shaming amongst adults that it truly makes my head spin. How can we as adults expect our children to behave differently when we are just as guilty?? Well, here's what I have to say about that! To hell with it, to hell with you if that is your thought. Going forward, I'm going to embrace my not perfect tummy.....it is a part of me, it grew and stretched to house four amazing babies, it's a soft squishy place for each of my children to lay their heads, it's mine, my body is a wonderland!!!! And so is Ivy's face. It's a wonderland! Tears come up as I write this. I'm her mom, don't tease and make fun of my kid. If you do, you are taking me on. Ask me questions, smile at her. She is just like you. She just wants to be your friend. Perhaps you could start a conversation with "wow, looks like she had some surgery, would you mind sharing?" or "what happened to your sweet girl's face" even works for me. And if you see your kid staring, why are you just standing there watching this awkwardness? Yes, I know that sounded judgmental. BUT...its not ok, people, its not ok. Hey, guess what? I do realize that I have no control over what you or your children do. I'm not naive. I have control over me.....so I choose to write this post in the hopes that the message will resonate with even just one person, that perhaps one person will self reflect. Maybe not.....but these are my thoughts.
And we wonder why our young people grow up to be angry and have low self-esteem. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps that kid was teased. Perhaps that kid was told over and over they were not ok, by media, by friends, by ads in magazines, perhaps that kid was excluded.
I'm raising 4 children and I'll be the first to say I'm nowhere close to being a perfect parent. I question myself often, reflect and try to grow, seek out advice and support, and I still come up short. But I try to be self-aware.....and I'm open, even when I have to confront something unpleasant within myself.
I am so lucky that I have an army of friends whose kids have embraced Ivy with open arms. I will not name them to respect their privacy and hope they all know who they are. Ivy is so fortunate to have 3 older brothers who have friends who come around often. She has had the benefit of being around so many kids during her short lifetime so far and these kids have all embraced her. I feel sure that Ivy has always felt so much love. I am grateful to my friends, the parents of these wonderful kids, and I have so much respect for them.
I'll end this post with saying that we have also had so many positive dialogues with people curious about Ivy. The rude and unpleasant experiences to date have been the exception and I hope that will continue to be the case as she gets older but I sadly have a sneaky suspicion that they will not be. It is as she gets older that I dread that innocence lost...... But to date, there have certainly been so many positive encounters too. There would be too many to write about. Each time we have one of these, each time someone embraces Ivy, each time we get to educate someone about Congenital Melanocytic Nevus, Chris and I smile. They are restorative. I am grateful for these experiences as well.