We were at the pool the other day - my first time in our new neighborhood. A little boy swam up to me and said "what's on his face?" My stomach tightened and my defenses came up. I wanted to say something ugly from my emotional mind, but instead, I took a breath and rationally thought to myself, he's just a little kid and he's not used to seeing this." I replied, "She's got a big birthmark" in my happy voice, to which he then said, "it is big!!!" And off he swam. That is the story of Ivy's life. Our friends don't react like that, or ask those questions, but strangers do and will. I/She is on the receiving end of this. It's hurtful, uncomfortable, painful even. It's a constant reminder that she is different. Clearly I think she is perfect and beautiful just the way she is, and I could "positive parent" her as so many folks have suggested. Yes, I plan to do that regardless of birthmark or scars. After all that is how we parent our boys. We want to help them all develop into their most confident selves. But we have the choice, and we are choosing to take this off her face. I thank GOD for the nevus families that I have met that have walked this path. Only they know the agony of this decision we face, and I am so very grateful for the messages that I have received privately from each and every one of them. I have developed some very close relationships with people I have never met. I hope they each know who they are.
Do you always know if your choices regarding your children are "right?" I would think not. This is not the first time in four kids that Chris and I have been faced with difficult choices for our children. We have wrestled with tough choices before and we make the choice that we feel is the BEST choice for our child. It's not always the easiest or most popular, but it is the one we feel is best. Regarding Ivy's nevus this is quite simply the most challenging choice I have faced, but I'm following my own methods of reaching a decision. Gather information; talk about it; Chris and I become united if not already; and move forward with confidence, even if I have to fake that confidence at first! I thank GOD at times like these that I have the most supportive and understanding husband in the world, and that he and I see so many things in a similar light.
Ivy's large nevus also creates some worry regarding melanoma. Her wonderful pediatric dermatologist tells us that her risk is very low, but as a 43 year old who has spent more than her fair share of time in the sun, my moles have changed. I have watched some grow larger, some have peeled, itched and bled upon too much sun exposure, and I've developed new moles over the years. Luckily none of my moles have been of any concern when brought to the attention of my dermatologist. (2021 update: I had Mohs procedure in 2019 to remove Basal Cell Carcinoma from the side of my face. All is well but I also have a facial scar now as a result. I do get annual mole checks which I highly recommend.) But you see, that is something that Chris and I have to consider as well. Over the years, will this large mole become a health threat for her?
Let me share with you the some of the facts about nevi. The nevus skin is different. In some cases, it is more delicate and brittle. Nevi do not sweat because they do not have sweat glands. Some nevi can be very itchy. Most grow hair. Yes, hers has the most fine, soft hair on it now. I find myself gently stroking each cheek nevus and then stroking her forehead nevus. I look at Ivy and take her in, all of her, her beautiful, beautiful, beautiful face. But in time that fine, soft hair will turn course and darker. I don't want my baby girl having to shave her face, but that's what nevus mommies and daddies do. This is a topic of conversation that comes up in our Facebook page. What are the best ways to remove the hair? I can feel the tears well up as I put my swirling thoughts to paper. Let me be clear on one point if I have not been clear already. I love and accept my baby girl for exactly who she is. I could live out the rest of my life and never think twice about removing this from her face. But that is the problem, she has to live her life too. And we are her parents. We are the ones who have to make the best decision for her. Only we can do that. And we pray that we are making the "right" decision.
Everyone has an opinion and some have been quick to tell me what they feel is best for Ivy. I appreciate that some people have chimed in, I really do. I appreciate that people feel comfortable sharing their opinions with us. I know that everyone who has reached out to us has done so out of love and support. I also appreciate those who have supported us and our decision. I appreciate each of you who has sat and listened as I shared my swirling thoughts time and time again. But trust me when I say this. If you walked in my shoes, I don't think you would be so quick to reach your decision either. I think it would weight heavily as it does on me. Some of my nevus mommy friends tell me that I'll miss it when it is gone. I know that I will because to be honest, this all has been a journey of grief regarding removing of her nevus. I am grieving for my daughter and what she must endure. Ultimately she is the one who must go through this. The surgeries, the weekly expander fills, the stares, the recovery, the scars. I have cycled through the stages of grief over and over and over. I am not ready to accept. I want our journey to change to one of hope and optimism.
I am not sure why this happened to my sweet Ivy girl. My aunt wrote me the most beautiful letter. My aunt has a strong faith that I envy. She told me that Ivy is one of God's most beautiful roses and that she is not sure why Ivy must bear this thorn upon her face, but that God sees something in Chris and me so he gave Ivy to us to take care of her and make the best decisions for her care. That special letter already has a place in Ivy's babybook.